Home Speaker Mike Johnson, whose grand imaginative and prescient for America consists of reworking each uterus within the nation right into a Pez dispenser, is satisfied he’s the North American Moses who will lead his individuals to the Promised Land. What Promised Land does he imply? Who actually is aware of? It might be Mexico, which many Republicans are now intent on invading—prompting bizarro headlines in critical journals like International Coverage, which in early November weirdly admonished, “America Shouldn’t Invade Mexico.”
However who actually is aware of what’s happening in Johnson’s head late at evening when he will get these flashes of perception? He thinks he’s speaking to God, although it’s marginally extra doubtless his spouse put in Alexa with out telling him.
In a current speech earlier than the Nationwide Affiliation of Christian Lawmakers, Johnson stated God woke him up in the midst of the evening to inform him it was His plan all alongside to publicly humiliate His trustworthy servants Kevin McCarthy, Jim Jordan, and Steve Scalise so Home Republicans would lastly be exhausted sufficient to simply accept Mike Johnson as their chief.
He then very pointedly famous that he’s America’s subsequent Moses, destined to steer the nation by means of a wonderful “Purple Sea second.”
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No, actually. He did. Watch:
Transcript!
JOHNSON: “The Lord instructed me very clearly to organize, be prepared. Be prepared for what? Okay, I don’t know. We’re coming to a Purple Sea second. What does that imply, Lord? After which when the speaker’s race occurred and Kevin McCarthy, who’s a pricey good friend of mine, was deposed—vacated from the chair—oh, wow, effectively that is what the Lord could have been getting ready us for.
“And so I began praying extra about that, after which the Lord started to wake me up by means of this three-week course of we’re in in the midst of the evening to talk to me, and to put in writing issues down, plans and procedures and concepts on how we might pull the convention collectively. Now, on the time I assumed the Lord goes to decide on a brand new Moses, and oh, thanks, Lord, you’re going to permit me to be Aaron to Moses.
“And so I labored to get Steve Scalise elected speaker. That didn’t occur. After which Jim Jordan, who was like one other huge brother of mine, and no that didn’t occur. After which Tom Emmer, and finally 13 individuals ran for the submit. And the Lord stored telling me to attend, wait, wait, so I waited, I waited.
“After which on the finish, when it got here towards the top, the Lord stated, ‘Now, step ahead.’ ‘Me? I’m alleged to be Aaron.’ No, the Lord stated, ‘Step ahead.’”
After all, pretending you speak to God is without doubt one of the slickest grifts there may be, as a result of nobody can ever test. You possibly can’t actually Google “does God speak to Mike Johnson?” Effectively, you possibly can, however you’ll principally simply get FAQs on making use of for everlasting Canadian residence. However it’s good to know that God had a transparent plan when he tortured Johnson to the purpose the place he might not sleep by means of the evening with out speaking to God.
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Anyway, for many who don’t converse dominionist Christian, right here’s what Mike was speaking about. Aaron was Moses’ brother and sidekick. He was extra eloquent than Moses, who, in line with not less than one Bible translation, spoke with “faltering lips.”
The “Purple Sea second” refers back to the passage within the Bible the place the Israelites are trapped alongside the Purple Sea as Pharaoh’s troopers bear down on them of their chariots, decided to enslave them once more. Moses raises his staff, the sea parts, and the Israelites escape. Then, because the Egyptians try and cross over the identical passage, the ocean crashes down in on them, drowning all of the Democrats and Hollywood liberals who preserve ruining Christmas. After all, this all got here after God mysteriously hardened Pharaoh’s heart against his captives about 80 times, as a substitute of simply shouting, “Hey, Pharaoh, look behind you!” and beaming his peeps into Canaan whereas the dude had his again turned.
That stated, there’s one other layer to Johnson’s febrile analogy—and it helps clarify why God didn’t simply deus ex machina all of them to Dave & Buster’s.
Right here’s one transient clarification, from Crosswalk.com:
God deliberately put [the Israelites] there, and God who knew precisely how this was going to play out. There was by no means a doubt.
By no means. A. Single. Doubt.
May or not it’s that we discover ourselves standing between the ocean and an approaching military as a result of God places us there on function?
1 Then the Lord stated to Moses, 2 “Inform the Israelites to show again and encamp close to Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the ocean. They’re to encamp by the ocean, instantly reverse Baal Zephon. 3 Pharaoh will assume, ‘The Israelites are wandering across the land in confusion, hemmed in by the desert.’ 4 And I’ll harden Pharaoh’s coronary heart, and he’ll pursue them. However I’ll acquire glory for myself by means of Pharaoh and all his military, and the Egyptians will know that I’m the Lord.” So the Israelites did this.
God knew the end result. All alongside. He deliberate it.
There He goes hardening Pharaoh’s coronary heart once more. And why? So He can showcase to the Egyptians, apparently. By drowning them. And their horses.
In different phrases, in Mike Johnson’s parochial, Bible-besotted worldview, a lot of unhealthy individuals must undergo and die earlier than God delivers his promised “Handmaid’s Story” utopia. Making Kevin McCarthy appear like a drowning Purple Sea ferret for 9 months was all a part of the plan.
This analogy isn’t excellent, after all. For one factor, McCarthy flails extra like a marmot than a ferret, and Republicans are nonetheless worshipping an insensate golden idol. But when Christian theocrats wander in the desert for 40 years in search of their promised land, that’s greater than okay with the remainder of us. As long as their promised land is Branson, Missouri, or a Chick-fil-A, or someplace else we don’t actually need to go to anyway.
However have little question: Johnson and his ilk are lethal critical about remaking America within the idiosyncratic picture of their god.
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As veteran Democratic political guide James Carville factors out, Johnson and his ilk are as critical about turning America right into a theocracy as Trump is about turning it right into a fascist dictatorship. In reality, of their minds, these are two great tastes that taste great together.
Watch—the video is helpfully captioned!
So now we face our personal second of reality. Will we let these wannabe theocrats run rampant, or will we name out their schemes whereas there’s nonetheless time? As a result of, to be clear, 2024 could also be our final probability. After that, we’ll solely have ourselves responsible—and dominionist twits like Mike Johnson, after all.
Take a look at Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, together with the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, in case you favor a check drive, you possibly can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
